I think, it depends. It's a case to case basis. Hoho.
I personally admit to being a hard-headed brat. It's true. I grew up wanting to prove myself to myself and to everybody else. Insecure? I guess not. I'm just competitive like that. Winning, being on top is everything, it is the only thing. I guess this is not so bad. Striving for perfection, for excellence is in fact a good thing. It is what brought me to studying til the wee hours for exams, to deciding to go back to school, to want only one of the best universities, to finish what I started, to search in google the "Top 100 companies" and send my resume to whatever I feel "I can pass", to end up being a site manager right after graduation in Alveo Land, a wholly owned subsidiary of Ayala Land, which is one of the top 100 companies here in the Philippines, by the way.
Competitiveness.
Perfectionism.
Ambition.
It's what got me here.
But what exactly drags me down?
Pessimism.
I cannot help it. I call it being realistic. But sometimes, I do go overboard. Sometimes, I feel insufficient, incapable, untalented, a failure, which is really sad. Given all the things I did in my life, as my boss told me, "I don't know where that inferiority complex is coming from."
I wonder, too.
And i can't change the fact that the perfectionist, the dreamer, the girl with the big ambitions is a big pessimist.
All the big dreams are crushed by the idea that it's simply not possible. Every ambition is snapped by the thought that maybe I can't. All of it.. It just isn't achievable, attainable and time-bound.
Bummer.
Maybe this would be a life-long journey - wanting to soar high but always being halted by my fear of failure. Instead of flying, I walk because it feels safer and more secure.
I hope that one day, those fears will fade and that I will readily spread my wings so I could fly and shine.
And as life has already repeatedly kicked me in the ass, I guess I'm still doing just fine.
Bring it!
😜
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